.png)
Breaking up with the toxic habits I developed in graduate school and finding my own path to succeed in science.
Written By: Leah Salinsky (Guest Writer)
There were many moments during my time in graduate school when I wondered if my decision to pursue a doctoral degree was going to be what drove me away from my love for science entirely. I can still remember the start of my first year in the program, back when I was still bright-eyed and bushy-tailed; I had absolutely no doubts. So, I did what any classic, anxiety-ridden overachiever would do: I threw myself into my research, convinced that I needed to do everything I possibly could to ensure I succeeded.
At the time, I couldn’t comprehend just how unhealthy this mentality was for me—I wasn’t aware of how much of myself I was losing by trying to be the scientist I thought I was supposed to be. In hindsight, I sometimes think I should have seen the signs that I was falling down a dangerous path.
By my second year in the program, I’d completely lost my ability to relax. Spare time, though few and far between, became something that riddled me with all-encompassing feelings of guilt. That little voice in my head belittled the down time, telling me I should be using it to work more, maybe read the literature, and find something “productive” to do. Anxiety attacks over my lack of productivity during these periods of down time became a common occurrence. And looking back now, I realize I’d accidentally trained myself into thinking that letting yourself just be and doing nothing was a bad thing.
After years of torturing myself like this, I started reaching my breaking point. Feelings of imposter syndrome and negative thoughts regarding my aptitude for this life came daily, slowly wearing away at my resolve. Science, something I’d always considered one of the loves of my life, was slowly sucking the life out of me, becoming the succubus of my own creation. One day, after a particularly intense meeting with my research advisor, I finally snapped. I just couldn’t hold it in anymore. All the tension, all of the anxiety, and all of the insecurities I’d been feeling finally hit the surface and the tears just kept coming. That day was my wake-up call. Shoulders hunched, with sobs wracking my body, I found myself hiding away in my childhood bedroom, debating the possibility of leaving the program in search of another future. After a few days, it was clear to both myself and my family that something had to give. I couldn’t keep going on my current trajectory and expect my mental health to remain intact. I had to find a way to take my life back if I was ever going to survive my doctorate in one piece.
I’d been seeing a therapist for some of my time in graduate school, but it had always been relatively infrequent. I didn’t always take it as seriously as I should have, but that was about to change. I only wish I’d opened up to my therapist sooner about how powerless I’d been feeling. It took hard work and strong communication, but I was able to get back on my path to my doctorate while supporting myself in the process.
First, I worked on finding a way to set boundaries for myself. I had to learn how to put down my work, even if something wasn’t finished. Second, I started trying to make more of an effort to be social and spend time with friends that I’d been inadvertently neglecting due to my hyper fixation on my work. And third, I started to really try to think about my future and how to create a healthy, happier life where science would be a large part of my life, but not the ONLY part of my life.
And despite everything, I made it. I finished my doctorate in Pharmacology and have since started a postdoctoral fellowship. When finding the right postdoctoral position for me, I tried my best to focus on finding one that could help me maintain a happy, healthy relationship with science while also giving me the opportunity to explore a life outside of the laboratory. And I can honestly say, so far, the world looks so much brighter. Not only do I feel more confident in the science I am conducting, but I feel more confident in myself.
Do I still work some weekends and evenings? Yes, but very sparingly and by choice, not out of necessity or compulsion. I am still working on the guilt and anxious feelings I get when trying to relax, but I truly believe that will get better in time and I plan to continue to seek professional help as a preventative measure rather than a situational response.
And in the meantime, I’ve taken up little hobbies like crocheting and embroidery where I can relax while still getting a sense of productivity. So, have I completely broken up with all the toxic habits I developed in graduate school? No, but I’m not letting them control me anymore and I finally feel excited about science again.